September 9, 1994 I paint a picture of you in my mind; long black hair, almond shaped eyes, golden skin, lips I starve for. You love pomegranates? We will walk in that ancient garden of pomegranates of the Pardes Rimmonium. We are incarnations of Malcuth and Tifereth and God as revealed himself through our union. I'll sit upright with my knees bent under and you will wrap your legs around me and sit upon me milk and water style. I'll look into your eyes as I have a thousand times before and never gotten bored. Let time pass because I have already reached my destination. There is nowhere I'd rather be. For here is my meditation. The window to my temple of worship. Peering into your eyes I know we are already one. The history of the universe is held within, and the fecundity of heaven and earth glows in the softness of their depths. The daylight sun is beginning to turn amber as it shows its first signs of fading into the west. The light splashes in the window turning your cheeks gold. I'll got to kiss you but instead I'll lick your lips with a flick of my tongue and pull back before you can make contact. You'll get that funny look on your face like you can't quite understand what just happened. Then the kiss; slow, eloquent, crooning sweetly like an Ellington melody. Now as I stare into your eyes we begin to breathe in synchronized rhythm. Holding each other's hands and our lips close together so that our breath massages each other as we chant a low sensual note that unites us and all, in a harmony that makes every cell of our bodies glow with warm vibrations. Our muscles soften and the skin tingles. The mind is a clear void We have no names and I no longer know where I end and you begin. I push you back slowly, cradling you in my arms. Unbuttoning your clothes as if unwrapping a delicately wrapped treasure. Perhaps you will laugh if I get confused by the buttons and zippers which keep our skin apart. Now naked and pure. You lying on your back and I sitting up between your legs. I touch you with awe. As if it were the first time viewing a mysterious work of art. My touch is feint. My fingertips barely making contact, but making your skin palpitate with pleasure. In this manner I explore every curve and contour of your body. The face, neck, the softness of the inner arm. The ticklish area of the sides of your waist and ribcage, between your breasts and across your stomach. Up from your thin ankles, up long the calves and the inner thigh, close to, but never touching your pubic area. I bend down low and bring my lips to your abdomen. Your hair there is that funny looking color as if it were stained with blood. I will not even touch your skin. My tongue will caress the thin hair, only stray molecules of our flesh will mingle. Slowly running up the center of your slightly curved belly, dipping slightly into your navel along the way, up across the contour of your ribs, up the full mound of your right breast, stopping on your large brown nipple. It will be hard now. This is my trophy. Do you know that your nipples become erect much less than most women's? No matter, because your sex is ever moist, and soppingly abundant. On your nipple I finally bring my tongue against your skin. Applying just a hint of pressure. Now I lay my head heavily against your bosom. My ear between your breast so I may hear your heartbeat It is warm and accelerated. Be alive my dear, because if nothing else, if I have nothing, if I am nothing, I am fully alive in this moment! Now love truly begins. The weight of my body is fully on top of you. I lie still. Feeling your body beneath me. Your breasts touching my chest. Your belly against my own. Your thighs supporting me. And your breath soft in my ear. The rhythm of your breath is my mantra. It is the song of the wild gander. The rhythm of the universe which takes me in its waves. Bring your mouth close to my ear and softly sing me that children's song in Hindi. Sing it as softly as possible and as close to my ear as you can come without touching me. Your warm breath is a caress I would die for. Your voice is a bird song dipped in honey. At this moment I am in bliss. My chest is tight with emotion. I love you and I surrender to you in this moment. Pause and life is pure pleasure. Time is eternal. The room darkens as the sun fully fades. Linger in the garden because when I raise myself up I am ready to take you. The new kiss is passion. I steal away your breath. I bite your lower lip warningly. My tongue enters you deeply. Exploring the secrets of your mouth. Again at your breasts. sucking firmly, noisily, hungrily holding as much of you as my mouth can swallow. I nip at your thighs with my teeth. I lick your pubic hairs. The serpent of my nature emerges as my tongue flickers about your glistening lips. Inside you. Your taste is my elixir of life. The ambrosia of my sensual heaven. I greedily drink your essence. My tongue sliding about your lips, and flickering in a constant rhythm. Then sucking you in as the rhythm deepens. Slow and leisurely. Soon I feel your body tense. You squeeze my head slightly between your thighs. Your body heaves convulsively. As you relax I still lick softly. Time passes a your breathing slows. Now lying beside you as you stare into the ceiling. Your reveries create new worlds. You close you eyes while I hold you. Later I wake you as I began to chant in the slow mantra of love. I have lit a single candle so that I can still see you in the soft light. You join me as we breathe and chant in unison. We softly caress each other, Bringing our skin to life with sensitivity. Now I lay atop you with my sex hard. Covering your neck with slow warm kisses. Your mouth tastes heavy with sex. Your breast are still swollen from my attentions. As I suckle my mind is white like a child's. My erection rest heavily against you. Raising myself I glide the pink crown across your dark lips. This rhythm brings new waves of liquid to the surface. My wetness mixes with yours. I insert the head ever so slightly. Pulling the tip slowly in and out until I can see fire in your eyes. Now I enter slow and firmly. Stopping at very centimeter to enjoy the new sensation. With each pause a new spirit seems to capture your expressions. Once inside we lie still for eternity. I am concentrating on what your insides feel like wrapped around me. Your vagina quivers slightly. Without moving my hips I make my penis vibrate inside you. Then I speak to you in a language only we can hear. As I jump inside you a small gasp tickles your throat. You answer with warm contractions that pull me inside you even deeper. Now in synch we speak simultaneously in a conversation of souls. Finally slow rhythm. We move without friction as the tip of my erection explores your depths. Then picking up speed and pressure at an almost imperceptible rate. Holding myself above you, I gaze at your face. Mine is flushed already. Your beauty is the beauty of life. You redefine perfection in my mind. I thank God for you. Life is a sacred thanks to you. The beauty and magic of existence is shown to me through you. Now I pull you up so you are sitting atop me. You conviction has returned as you begin to take control. With your legs spread around me you slide on my sex as you desire. Grinding and sliding in circular motion on me. I lean up and take your breast in my mouth. You hold my head in your arms pulling me against you. I feel devoured in your embrace. I fade into your warmth. Lying down again I try to follow your rhythm. Not really thrusting, as much as pushing against your weight giving you firmness to mold as you please. You look slightly savage, as if delirious, as you writhe before my eyes. Your neck arches back and your fingers grasp my pelvis, Your rhythm quickens until l your face contorts with pleasure and a soft moan slips from your throat. Once in control you collapse forward onto me, laying your head against my chest. My penis is still inside you. Once you have had time to relax I again softly vibrate inside you with the Blessing of Ophelia. In your state it is enough to push you over the edge as you eyes roll into your head and your vagina contracts uncontrollably to my stimulations. Falling beside me I enter you from behind as we both lay on our sides. Your vagina seems hot and swollen so I will be gentle. Allowing your heat to massage me without motion. Still semi-erect with both fall silent. Waking up I see that it is 4:00 AM. Before long the sun will rise. I move to the shower silently. Returning I lie behind you and watch you sleep. In your sleep you have become a child who I long to protect. I secretly kiss your neck and caress your skin while trying not to wake you. My penis is soon erect and I slide it between your thighs and rub it against your lips. You moan in your slumber and shift into a position that allows me to get closer to you. When we are both wet I began to nuzzle between your lips. Without effort the petals spread and seem to pull me in. Inside I move with a slow rhythm. I could go on like this forever. It is pleasure with such ease and comfort. Your buttocks press against my abdomen with each thrust. I lean back so I may gaze at your neck and back as I move within you. Next I move close, holding you as tightly as possible. You seem tiny. I have encircled you with my body. My left hand squeezes your right breast and my right hand holds your head. This is what I live for. This is all I need. As you awake I begin to pick up the rhythm. You seem confused but accepting whatever fate I offer you. As my pace quickens a slight look of danger enters you eyes. I place you above me and begin to pummel you with firm jabs, entering as deeply as I can penetrate. I hold your body aggressively so you won't slide away from me as I pound against you. Our bodies are sweat covered and my breath is heavy. Your crazy hair is everywhere. Strands are sweat-glued to our limbs and veil your face. But between the strands I can still see your expression. It is haggard. Haggard but fully woman. Burdened with love and violence which cannot be separated. The violence of creation. Bearing the force of aggression. Strong against the pressure of the man who loves you, the man who hates you, needs you, devours you, watches over you, protects you, challenges you, fails you, submits to you, pressures you, wants to possess you, wants to liberate you, to rule you, worship you, fuck, suck, eat, and drink you, to breathe you, grow fat and rich with you, explore with you, hide out with you, procreate with you, fight with you, fight the world with you, support and be supported by you, and most of all; grow old with you, and leave this world with our souls intertwined as one. You are my universe. And you give life. I scream out as my semen floods your womb. My body shakes. I feel the sperm between my penis and walls of your vagina. I collapse in exhaustion. Let it all drip forever. We'll hold each other into slumber. You curled up inside my arms. Your back against my chest, holding my hand between yours underneath your chin. All is good. It is 11:00 AM after a night without sleep. I sit in the Daily Grind coffee shop. From writing this my face is flushed with passion. My insides still quiver with excitement. My sex is fully erect. None of those who sit serenely around me drinking herbal teas and iced coffees know that I just made love to you. It is my secret. But now I am alone again. Matt walks up to me. He has just returned from his Woodstock trip. hey Caeser, good to see you. Are you O.K. man? You look a little...î he makes a shaking motion with his hands and head. I'm starting my own peace corps man, he continues. the peace symbol is now official. Look I got it tattooed on my arm He shows me a red wound on his arm. "I'm going across the country to promote it. Soon I'll be in High Times, Rolling Stone, and on the cover of Life magazine! My goal is to win the Nobel Peace Prize." Matt rambles and I feign interest. My secret is with me. But I am alone. Inside I tremble with desperation. My organs are poisoned with longing. My sex aches. I am dying of desire. I ask myself, "is love itself a sin?" I feel the poison flow through my body and I know the end is near. The end of an era. And the end of my self. 
The Apologia is a part of Caeser Pink's novel The Murder Of The Holly King. To get your copy and read the full story click here 
|